Shadow of Self Doubt

Something I’ve struggled with my entire life is self doubt I have a horrible habit of starting things that I can’t finish because it seems that every time I start something (especially if I plan to share it with others) I fall into an existential crisis and begin wondering “what’s the point?” or “why even bother, we’ll all be dead in a 100 years anyways.” And then I drop whatever it was I was doing and lay on my floor in silence, staring at the ceiling just waiting for it to end.

I’d like to stress that I’m not suicidal. I do not want to kill myself and I can’t remember having many moments in my life where I thought that it would be easier if I just wasn’t here. An existential crisis is different. It’s about questioning the purpose, meaning or value of life. It’s not about wanting not to have one completely. Though I guess one could come to that conclusion because of their existential crisis, but that’s not what I’m talking about right now.

Making videos, podcasts and e books about MY spiritual practice is something I’ve always wanted to do (actually I did do it once but got overwhelmed and deleted… like everything) but my self doubt seems to hinder me every time. I doubt that I have the ability to create what people want to see. I doubt my abilities to make it understandable or relatable. But what it usually boils down to – Is this really going to matter and what’s the point?

Then there’s:

  • I’m not good enough.
  • There are people out there who have been practicing longer than me.
  • What if someone doesn’t like what I have to say?
  • What if someone I know see’s it and makes fun of me?
  • My practice is too “out of the box” and people won’t understand.
  • What if I come off arrogant or full of myself?
  • Someone else has already talked about this topic.
  • Who am I to have a different opinion about something that someone else might know more about?

And the list could go on and on and on. Sometimes I feel like I have enough experience in something to be able to give advice or guidance but once I actually start doing that I feel like my experience doesn’t “level up” to that of someone else who also decided to discuss this topic so I should just stop all together.

I’ve been allowing other people to measure my worth, my experiences and my abilities by comparing myself to them. I am not them. And I know that this train of thought isn’t going to magically poof away because I’m now aware of it. I’m not naive. I do, however, hope that now that I am aware of this that I can work on it, understand it and maybe try to find a way to use it to my advantage.

Shadow work, for me, isn’t about solving the problem or even fixing the problem (sometimes you might find that there is no problems) but it’s about learning to deal with it, live with it and hopefully one day use it for the better.

I’d really like to talk more about my shadow work experiences and just about shadow work in general. I’d like to share how my spirituality has helped me overcome and turn around me shadows to work with my light.


Pop Culture Goddesses, Spirit Guides & Archetypes

If you’re unfamiliar with Pop Culture Paganism than I suggest you take a look here and here and maybe even here, for some insight on this whole thing.

So what’s a spirit guideIn Western Spiritualism, “Spirit guides” are entities that remain as disincarnate spirits in order to act as a guide or protector to a living incarnated human being.

You might also need to know what an archetype is but for the sake of making this post as easy to follow and understand as I can, we’ll go with the simplest definition :  a very typical example of a certain person or thing. Of course this very typical example will only be so to you but you’ll understand when we get more into this.

Spirituality can sometimes be a touchy subject. It can make people uncomfortable whether that be because they are met with the challenges of someone disagreeing with their religious views or maybe it makes them question their religious views. Either way it isn’t always an easy topic to discuss. Of course it’s made much easier, in my experience, when your views are way to crazy for most people to really grasp, let alone try to understand.

This is where Pop Culture Paganism really comes into play. Pop Culture Paganism (PCP) is the use of pop culture characters and stories as either an approachable face for traditional Pagan deities and powers, or as a substitute for more traditional powers

Found on Pinterest

and mythologies. [x]

It can be really confusing for your guest when they come to your home and see devotional style candles with popular characters and figures on them instead of the common saints or other religious figures. Most people will write it off as a quirky / weird fashion statement or decor piece but sometimes they’ll ask you about it and then immediately regret asking after you say the words “Pop Culture Paganism” or “pop culture magick” <– which is something completely different that you can read about here

Some may argue that you can’t have a fictional character like Batman be your spirit guide because it is not a spirit, it is a made up person [superhero]. I would argue against that because a spirit is the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul. So it wouldn’t be too “out there” to think that a character (even a made up one) wouldn’t still have a spirit or soul. This character still feels, does it not? This character still has characteristics that set it apart from other characters. So this would make it a spirit.

Of course pop culture paganism isn’t just about made up character but can also incorporate real celebrities into the practice. An example might be someone calling on the spirit of Amy Winehouse to help guide them through a battle with addiction.

And then we have to differentiate between a spirit guide and an archetype. Many might get this confused (I know I did at one point) because they may seem like one in the same but they are very different.

A spirit guide is there to guide you and [sometimes] teach you. An archetype is almost similar to

Found on Pinterest

personifying which means to represent or embody (a quality, concept, or thing) in a physical form.

So you might say that Cher Horowitz (from the movie Clueless) is your throat chakra archetype or you might personify your throat chakra as Cher Horowitz. You have now given a typical idea or theory (that being the throat chakra) an identity to better help you connect with, balance and work with it.

I would say, by definition, pop culture pagans aren’t worshipping anything new by using someone like Beyonce or Snow White as their Goddess representation but instead personifying this idea of Goddess (or divine feminine) by giving it a physical form of representation. I really wanted to clarify that really quick just so that I do make it clear that pagans aren’t, at least this pagan isn’t lol, worshipping actually people I am just using them as representation of the divine.

You can find these candles and more on Etsy by searching ‘saint candles’, though I’d suggesting making one yourself. It’s not hard. Print a photo, cut out from magazines or create a collage on your computer (polyvore is a great site to do this) and then print that out and mod podge or tape it to your candle. Super simple. Also these candles can usually be found at your local Dollar Tree. 


I totally just cut my hair.

Why? Because I wanted something new. This event alone doesn’t warrant it’s own blog post but I wanted to tell you anyways. And I don’t really have anything new to add other than I bought this very pretty gold cotton yarn, with the intention to make it an option in my Etsy shop, and it turns out that the brand is 1) no longer being sold and 2) under what I believe is a new name but this color is no longer available.16807614_10211856136268403_2477544573753739198_n

I’m not sure if I’m going to make this gold colored top a ready to ship creation or if I’m just going to keep it for myself. I’ll have to see where it all goes. It is very nice and sturdy (wasn’t really expecting that) and once it’s finished and washed I believe it’s going to be even more soft.

Rain (the boyfriend, keep up) hasn’t seen my hair yet. Eek. He might love it, he might hate it. Either way it is what it is. This is what happens when he decides to nap in the middle of the day, like an old man, and leave me alone with a pair of scissors and nothing to do.

I guess I could have cleaned the kitchen but my name isn’t MessyIndigoChild for nothing.

The Comeback of the Mix CD

When I was younger it was almost expected that your new boo create a mix CD for you and that they make you one for every important relationship milestone. You know? The 1 week anniversary, the 1 month anniversary, the 1 month anniversary of your first kiss and if you got to 6 months than you expected a “Mega Mix” CD.

Most recent mix CD I’ve made got some Aaliyah, The Killers and even some Macy Gray.

Nowadays, since the invention of the MP3 player and iPod, you’re more likely to get an iTunes gift card than a CD full of songs you two could share together. And since music is so easily accessible now it seems like more work to make a mix CD than it does to make a Spotify playlist or to just download the song on iTunes.

We could take it real far back with the mix tapes. Those were a bitch to try and make. You had to have that tape ready to record in your stereo because you never knew when that one song you’ve been trying to get for 6 weeks would finally come on the radio. And than if you’re lucky enough to get to your stereo fast enough, you’d have to hope the DJ didn’t interrupt the song with that self promo bullshit.

Let’s get back on topic though, last week I had this aha moment when I was listening to my iPod and I put it on shuffle and I found myself skipping every single song. I wanted to make myself listen to something other than the same 20 songs I always listen to but with it so easy for me to skip them I failed at my mission. And that’s when I thought about mix CDs. 

Notice the candles? Yeah this is pretty much my sacred place.

When I would put a mix CD in my stereo and go lay in my bed I didn’t really have that easy ability to change the song whenever I want. I mean I had a controller for my stereo but let’s be honest I never knew where the hell that thing was and I was either way too lazy or going through some teenage angst shit to bother getting up to change whatever was playing. I’d just let the words sink in, the music drown into my ears and just let whatever feelings I was feeling in those moments be felt.

I propose that we bring back the mix CD. We bring back the days when we showed someone how we felt with the music that made us feel those same feelings. We bring back the days when we’d spend a week trying to pick out the perfect songs, create the cover art and decide on the coolest name we could think of to really describe that feeling.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to create a badass mix CD for someone, anyone. A friend, a boyfriend, your parent(s), your sibling, your dog or even yourself. 

If you do, please post a photo of it on Instagram and use the hashtag #messyindigochildmix