Something I’ve struggled with my entire life is self doubt I have a horrible habit of starting things that I can’t finish because it seems that every time I start something (especially if I plan to share it with others) I fall into an existential crisis and begin wondering “what’s the point?” or “why even bother, we’ll all be dead in a 100 years anyways.” And then I drop whatever it was I was doing and lay on my floor in silence, staring at the ceiling just waiting for it to end.
I’d like to stress that I’m not suicidal. I do not want to kill myself and I can’t remember having many moments in my life where I thought that it would be easier if I just wasn’t here. An existential crisis is different. It’s about questioning the purpose, meaning or value of life. It’s not about wanting not to have one completely. Though I guess one could come to that conclusion because of their existential crisis, but that’s not what I’m talking about right now.
Making videos, podcasts and e books about MY spiritual practice is something I’ve always wanted to do (actually I did do it once but got overwhelmed and deleted… like everything) but my self doubt seems to hinder me every time. I doubt that I have the ability to create what people want to see. I doubt my abilities to make it understandable or relatable. But what it usually boils down to – Is this really going to matter and what’s the point?
- I’m not good enough.
- There are people out there who have been practicing longer than me.
- What if someone doesn’t like what I have to say?
- What if someone I know see’s it and makes fun of me?
- My practice is too “out of the box” and people won’t understand.
- What if I come off arrogant or full of myself?
- Someone else has already talked about this topic.
- Who am I to have a different opinion about something that someone else might know more about?
And the list could go on and on and on. Sometimes I feel like I have enough experience in something to be able to give advice or guidance but once I actually start doing that I feel like my experience doesn’t “level up” to that of someone else who also decided to discuss this topic so I should just stop all together.
I’ve been allowing other people to measure my worth, my experiences and my abilities by comparing myself to them. I am not them. And I know that this train of thought isn’t going to magically poof away because I’m now aware of it. I’m not naive. I do, however, hope that now that I am aware of this that I can work on it, understand it and maybe try to find a way to use it to my advantage.
Shadow work, for me, isn’t about solving the problem or even fixing the problem (sometimes you might find that there is no problems) but it’s about learning to deal with it, live with it and hopefully one day use it for the better.
I’d really like to talk more about my shadow work experiences and just about shadow work in general. I’d like to share how my spirituality has helped me overcome and turn around me shadows to work with my light.